It doesn’t take very long for something, or someone to set me off. You don’t have to know me long, or at all sometimes, to know that I struggle with patience and pride. Grace and humility are not my spiritual gifts. No where close. So-what do you think God spends many of my days refining in me? You got it-patience and pride. If everyone would just do it my way the first time, I wouldn’t have to be patient, right? 🙂 It seems that everytime I share about Christ-when I am leading others like at youth group-I get smacked with my own struggles to keep me in check.
I hate that I go from 0 to 60. I am fine one moment, than someone says or does, or doesn’t say or do….and I am fit to be tied. My blood pressure rises. I begin the attack, I want to be right, I want the last word, and you best know it takes everything in me to mutter the word “sorry”. Lately, there has been a voice in my head that is very calming and actually gives me a bit of an out of body experience. It tells me to chill but because it is against my very nature-I don’t even know HOW to stop. I don’t know HOW to do humble, or patient, or kind, or loving, or grace, in those moments.
I want a hall pass from God from “being stretched: 102” The class sucks and it is always scheduled when I am the most busy. Can I drop it? I wish….kinda. I truely do want to be a better person but my ugly never seems to go away. I mean-I think I get to a point where I am walking with God, trusting Him…lalala..than WACK. I feel like the wind is punched out of me, the bottom drops out, the life that is pure chaos that I have been trying so hard to keep in motion…..crumbles. I can’t explain it. It is the straw that breaks the camels back. I do not have the time to talk to everyone, thank everyone, get back to everyone, file everything, attend everything, anticipate everything, cook everything, console everyone, listen well, sit intentionally with my children and do laundry. I can’t do it. And I resent the pressure. And I want to cry. Maybe even ugly cry. The straw is so light, but it’s just one more thing AND it is heavy. Meaning, by itself, the issue is not hard, or bad even…a lot of times it is good and what I really WANT. Like writing a thank you to someone I love. Or sitting with my children. Or listening to a friend. I WANT that so bad. It is just that each “thing” adds up. And the sum of the weight is too heavy to carry.
I don’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings….but I am committed to being honest in this blog…I am emotionally spent. I can barely handle my own emotions, let alone other peoples. Not their life experiences-stories etc. (that makes me feel normal), but i mean conflicts or me “offending” them. I want more than anything, to change my focus from me to others. It is my battle cry. I want God to refine this SO BAD. But, I am incapable right now of navigating other peoples feelings. For example, if I offend you, if I don’t give you what you need, if I don’t read between the lines, if I don’t anticipate what you want, if I forget to write a thank you or get permission, or wish you happy birthday, write you back, or forget to confirm a bus. My fault? Absolutely. Do I need to take responsibility? Sure. Sorry. Sorry I can’t do it all. Sorry I am human and don’t have all my ducks on a row. Emotionally-I can’t handle your feelings and mine. I am desperate to get to a place where I can and try desperately to focus on others and not me….but getting honest means getting real and admitting I literally am unable to maintain the quality of my relationships. I hate this but it is true.
God-refine me. I know I can do nothing without your strength. I am emotionally done. Show up and make me into your image day by day, moment by moment. Amen