I was having a really hard week. There were multiple conflicts happening that left me broken and angry, to be honest. They were conflicts that attacked who I was as a person and left me broken. (Sometimes, I think I should get a free pass from God challenging me in other areas when I feel like I already am being challenge enough!) Many days, it feels like I am hanging on by a single thread, and this night, it felt like someone cut the only lifeline to “put together” I had left. I always say the straw that broke the camels back…
We had planned on getting together for very different reasons-actually to watch TV together. The night, however, turned into a wonderful, raw, emotional time for us all to share and support one another. The few hours I had to talk through my feelings and not pretend to have it all together, helped me have a clear mind to respond to one of the conflicts in a positive way. Which, by the way, goes against my normal default reaction to being attacked.
I am a fighter in recovery-and God continues to break me of responding in that way. I will be honest, this night, I was angry and hurt. I usually try to hurt the person worse than they hurt me. I even enjoy verbally sparring and winning a bit. Unfortunately, that goes against how God tells us to respond. Bummer.
Don’t you hate when your natural reaction is the very thing God is trying to refine in you? It is like God hitting reset and manually changing all your settings which sucks because your default is easy and you don’t have to think about it. You don’t have to think about dialing a number on your phone when it is on speed dial, or what your password is when it’s stored in your computer. It’s only when you loose your contacts or forget your login information it becomes a problem and you have to really think about it. James 1:19-20 says “19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
And it seems God keeps trying to reprogram me. I want to react the way I have for years, but new life with Christ means He wants that ugly default parts of me, too. This is a life-long thing….He will continue to want more of the “nasty” so He can get the credit.
And-that is what happened. I was deeply hurt but after talking honestly with my friends and getting out the nasty, I was able to reach out and initiate a conversation that needed to take place and respond the way He wanted me to respond. God is so good in that way, and honest friends that are full of grace and truth are priceless. Thank you girls….you are such a gift to me. MAKK